


A Red Christmas

by Frostberry



Category: Naruto
Genre: Christmas fic, Kidnapping, M/M, hiruzen is such a fucking sleezeball damn, man hidan and kakuzu are assholes aren't they, theres knives and guns involved as per usual, xmas song references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 05:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16826560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Hidan and Kakuzu attempt to kidnap Santa Claus. It goes very, very wrong.





	A Red Christmas

Hiruzen Sarutobi, ex mayor of Konoha, was retired now, and every year he grew out a beard. It was ugly, and it took a year. But the reason why he did it was because he would be Santa Claus in the local mall every December. 

Sarutobi got out of bed, dressed, had an egg for breakfast when he heard a banging from the house opposite him. 

He groaned, because this was a habit of his neighbours. Peeping out of the window, he looked out to see the frosty shadows of the taller one strangling the other in the front garden. 

His neighbours - Sarutobi didn’t know their names - moved in around half a year ago and their screaming matches could be heard by everyone in the street. Occasionally the shorter one was kicked out of the house, and slept on the front porch at night. Another time the taller one was stabbed and walked around with a knife in his back for a week until he decided to get it removed. 

It came to a shock to Sarutobi and the rest of the residents that they were  _ married _ . But y’know, it shouldn’t really be his business but Sarutobi was the sort to find out everyone’s gossip. 

Sarutobi got dressed up in his santa suit, and walked out the house to his car. 

The two men glared at Sarutobi, standing on the lawn which was covered in frost. The larger one had stopped mowing the lawn to stare at him, while the lawn mower rattled and roared and started to swipe into the dirt and rock underneath. It was seven in the morning, freezing, should he really be mowing the lawn? 

The other one was holding plant clippers and slowing clipping in his direction instead of at the perfect hedge. Sarutobi shivered, ignoring their stares as he got into the car to go to go about his business before setting off to the mall. At the moment he was going to the local brothel to see his favourite ‘elves’, then to the mall for nine when the shops opened.

***

It was going to be a long day, as it was Friday and shops didn’t close until later that evening. Sarutobi’s eyes watered as his jaw hurt from smiling, the flashes being enough to make him blind. He was sweaty from the costume. The mall had the song  _ A Red and White Christmas  _ for the fifth time that day on. Konohamaru turned up with his class and promptly bawled his eyes out when he noticed who was Santa in the chair. 

Around lunchtime, he noticed the queue for Santa was getting longer and longer-

“You’re up next,” said the elf, to the two men in front. Sarutobi’s heart froze as he recognised his neighbours. Panic started to set in as he glanced up at them. One of them had a creepy smile and the other was glaring as if Sarutobi had done something very, very wrong. The larger one with the weird green eyes had a nametag on from the local travelex,  _ Kakuzu _ . The other had the nearest supermarket with the tag  _ Hidan,  _ nightfill. 

Luckily at that moment, the replacement Santa had come to give him a break. 

***

Only one small break, the rest of the day didn’t go smoothly after the presence of his neighbours. Two babies threw up on him and a dog sneezed in his eyeball were only some of the things that happened in the afternoon. Sarutobi was glad to get home. He was going to draw up a neighbourhood watch letter, to invite everyone down at the local community centre to ask if anyone knew anything about his new creepy neighbours. He took out a cigarette and lit it up, smoking while he got out the car. 

However, he didn’t make it to his house as there was a blinding pain to the back of his head, and Sarutobi fell, passed out. His mouth burned from the lit end as he dropped onto the icy driveway.

***

“You really  _ think  _ bringing in a fake Santa when we got to the front of the queue would deceive us, you piece of shit!?” Cold fingers slapped Sarutobi’s face. “Wake the fuck up!” 

Blurry at first, Sarutobi struggled to gain consciousness. His two neighbours had dragged him into their house, it seemed. He had been pushed into a chair and handcuffed to the back. 

“Oi! Look at me!” 

Sarutobi looked back at Hidan, who had thrown a photograph in his face. 

He glanced up at the photograph. It was shot today, with the other Santa - Ohnoki, with Hidan giving a up yours at the camera and Kakuzu silent and glaring. 

“You have some fucking nerve, ignoring us,” said Hidan, pinching his cheek. Kakuzu was in the background, nodding. “You’ve ignored us for years, and finally we have you where we want you.” 

“What do you want? I’m only your neighbour! You’ve only just moved in…” 

Hidan swung a knife on his fingertips. “All the lying, the shit you’ve caused… Every  _ fucking  _ year, and you don’t give me what I want, Santa.” 

It clicked. 

“You think I’m Santa...?” 

“No fucking shit, and you know exactly who we are. You can’t run, hide, or be saved from your pathetic reindeer this time. We’ve finally got you where you belong.” 

Hidan rattled his red shoulders, making him shake back and forth. “All I recieved from you was coal. No matter how good I was, it was always  _ coal _ and never anything else. I never received anything, not even toys. Race cars, trampolines, hunting knives, the new AK-47 design rifle with limited edition golden magazine redesign - you never  _ ever  _ gave me what I always wanted!” 

This seemed to anger Kakuzu, as he pushed Hidan out the way. He grabbed Sarutobi by the throat, the gun in his head pointed at his temple. “You think Hidan’s story is bad, Santa?” He held harder and Sarutobi started to choke. “I was so poor my family couldn’t afford coal. They promised me every year they would put something other than an orange in my stocking. We finally found you where we want you, you wretched fool.” 

Sarutobi had to think quickly. He was smart, and had to think of something that would get him out of this mess. Kakuzu’s hand lapsed a bit on his neck and Sarutobi was able to pull away. 

“You have anything to say, or are you wanting us to set you free so you can go back to fucking your elves at the brothel?” 

“I - I - I will go and get those presents for you. To make up for uh, times I couldn’t get them for you.” 

Kakuzu and Hidan looked at each other. They nodded, and Hidan put the knife down. Kakuzu threw his christmas hat back at him, “Get up. We’re going.”

***

Hidan and Kakuzu had written out their wishes on the back of some receipts. Kakuzu’s started in chronological order, starting with ‘monopoly’ to ‘scientific calculator’ to ‘mortgage paid off’. 

Hidan’s on the other hand, was mostly full of weapons that would possibly only be found in secret military bases. 

“How am I supposed to find these at the mall?” 

“Get your fucking elves to get them then.” 

“They’re busy,” said Sarutobi hastily. “I can’t contact them.” 

Hidan narrowed his eyes, and looked up at Kakuzu, who gave a small nod. “Fine,” he said. “Fucking fine. You get the alternative shitty brand of an AK-47 then for me and I’ll shoot your fucking Rudolph’s nose into a bloody mess.” 

One by one, Sarutobi’s bank account was quickly drained by his pitiful pension and the fact both Kakuzu and Hidan wanted expensive gifts. He couldn’t understand the two men at all who truly believed he was the  _ actual _ Santa. Santa wasn’t real. He never was. It was just some made up crap for kids. 

Now his life depended on it. Going through the checkout of the last store, he felt Kakuzu’s gun on his back. 

When they were out in the parking lot, Kakuzu examined the lists,ticking off and inspecting what they got. Thirty six presents were stuffed into the car, including a bottle of wine the bank gave Sarutobi for paying off their mortgage. Hidan had ordered most of the presents to be gift wrapped. 

“Hidan,” said Kakuzu as Sarutobi put everything in the back of the car, checking his list twice, “He didn’t buy you the Jashin wallet.” 

Sarutobi gulped. “I - I - I didn’t know what that is.” A jingle bell of the clock ahead meant the shops were starting to close for the night, so he couldn’t exactly go back in. 

Hidan whacked him over the head. “You pathetic piece of shit! You know what Jashinism is.” 

“I have heard of him, but I’m getting old,” Sarutobi scrambled to make up lies, “Please fill me in on the details.” 

Kakuzu shook his head, and facepalmed. Hidan then started talking about some bizarre religion that involved human sacrifice and some sort of zero carb diet where vegetables were forbidden. He absent-mindedly picked at his teeth, where bits of steak were stuck from that night’s dinner while telling Sarutobi about the time Jashin saved him from a life of celibacy in Catholicism. 

Sarutobi didn’t know what to do. At last he told them his elves will find it at the North Pole, then proceeded to ring up Asuma and ask about it. He described what Hidan told him, which was a white wallet with a black triangle circle symbol, which was Asuma looked it up on the internet to find that Jashin wallets could be found possibly in the dingy antique vinyl shop at the end of the mall. 

The car park was empty now, and it became a silent night. Near the end of the car park was the particularly evil looking shop, selling mostly second hand homeware and some old bric a brac. There was a jar with an animal fetus displayed in the shop window. 

It was closed. 

“Your wallet is in there,” Sarutobi pointed towards the flaking door with graffiti on it. “But its closed.” 

Sarutobi expected Hidan to flip out, and he flinched as he looked at him alarmingly. “Are you telling me you can’t go to the  _ fucking  _ North Pole and get my fucking wallet instead in some junk store?” 

There was a clap at Hidan’s shoulder. Kakuzu moved forward and punched the glass of the door, the closed sign swinging to  _ open.  _ He put a bloodied hand into the window and unlocked the door. Hidan’s eyes were swimming with tears and seemed to be swooning. 

“You’re so  _ romantic _ , Kakuzu.” 

Kakuzu merely grunted in response, and the door swung open. He pressed the gun into Sarutobi’s shoulder. “Get in.” 

Sarutobi’s boots crunched over the broken glass. They flickered on the light to find an assortment of antiques, vinyl shoved into corners, death metal shirts and some strange religious artefacts. 

It didn’t take him a long time to spot the wallet. It was in the bric a brac section, and he looked at the price before realising that nobody was at the counter to sell the wallet to him. 

“Here,” Sarutobi handed it over to Hidan, who’s face lit up. 

“Fuck yeah!” 

Sarutobi breathed a sigh of relief. Until Kakuzu had a look at the wallet, inspecting it. 

“It’s an Alcoholics Anonymous wallet, not a Jashinism one.” 

“...WHAT?” 

Now Hidan flipped out. It was almost comical how in anger he managed to pull off half the items in the shelf, and Sarutobi was backed into a corner. Objects scattered the floor. 

“I didn’t know-” 

“You didn’t  _ fucking  _ know yet you asked me about JASHIN, you are fucking SANTA CLAUS, you’re supposed to know everything!” 

“How dare you,” murmured Kakuzu, slowly going towards Sarutobi. He gulped and started shaking under the white beard of his. “How dare  _ you _ try and deceive my husband.” 

Kakuzu took aim, and with a deafening  _ bang _ , shot Sarutobi in the head.

***

Sarutobi jerked up right, wide awake. He breathed hard, and opened his eyes to find the beautiful pink walls of his favourite local brothel. 

“You fell asleep,” said one of the elves, a woman dressed up with elf ears and a fluffy bikini. “Merry Christmas!”

***

Saru tobi drove back home, not sure if it was a dream or not.  _ It must have been one _ , he thought, looking out of his house with a smoke in his hand when he drove into the driveway. The house opposite him was still and silent.

***

The next day, Sarutobi didn’t go to the brothel. He stayed for an extra few hours in bed, terrified that Kakuzu and Hidan were going to come and get him. He had no proof anything happened, particularly because he wasn’t dead, and didn’t want to approach the house. He got back into his Santa costume, which was free of glass and blood. The manager rang him demanding to know why he hadn’t turned up at 9:01AM, and so he got into his car as fast as possible and drove off. 

The mall played  _ A Red and White Christmas  _ four times in a row, and Sarutobi felt very jittery. He kept nervously peeking at the crowd as if Hidan and Kakuzu were in line behind children and their mothers.  _ They’re grown men, _ he thought to himself.  _ They shouldn’t be in line anytime soon _ . 

The elves helping him went off to have their lunch break, and the new ones appeared to take over the cameras and the general housekeeping of the area. Ohnoki wasn’t able to come in until a bit later in the day, so he had to work an extra hour instead of taking his usual smoke break. 

“Sup, Santa.” 

Kakuzu and Hidan, wearing elf clothes, were leering down at him. Sarutobi’s heart lurched, pain rattled throughout his body and he slumped over in shock. 

That was when Sarutobi promptly died of a heart attack. 

END 


End file.
